


letters to beijing

by crimsongravedigger



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ghosts, M/M, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 16:18:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5832313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsongravedigger/pseuds/crimsongravedigger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tale of how fate can be forgiving after all, because even if Luhan is a hundred year old ghost and Sehun merely a human boy, and seasons pass and wars explode, true love always finds a way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	letters to beijing

 

_1879_

Life, little Luhan decides, with his small button nose pressed heavily against the glass and warm breath fogging the cold surface, is really unfair. His sticky fingertips stick to the shop window like glue on paper, and even though his mother tries to gently tear him away to not make the owner angry (that Korean man can be really scary when he’s angry), Luhan doesn’t move at all, afraid that those delicious and juicy sweets will disappear from his eyes. He can even smell their addicting scent up his nostrils, and with a fast but sad move, he hungrily licks his chapped lips. There are so many colors, so many types of candy, so many different flavors, so many shapes and so much sugar that Luhan wishes he could spend even just a second in that shop to inhale as much air as possible. He wishes his tummy would also be like an air balloon so he could store that heavenly scent inside him, and he also wishes, if it’s not too much, that his tongue would remember their taste until the day he dies.

When his mother softly calls his name to bring him back to reality, Luhan finally peels his scraggy face off the glass but his eyes remain stuck on those little pieces of heaven that his mouth misses so much. He can’t even remember the last time he chewed a gummy bear or sucked a lollipop. He would give anything, literally anything, even a lung or a kidney, to hold in his palm a bunch of those sour candies that explode right after you put them on your tongue, or a small bar of white milky chocolate that is basically just butter mixed with sugar. Luhan throws one last glance at his favorite candy shop and tries to ignore that bright flashy sign that screams  _come in, come in!_  but it’s so hard. It’s so hard to just keep on walking. It’s so hard to simply shrug and pretend that shop does’t exist. It’s so hard to ignore his aching tummy, but Luhan, even though he’s as young as dew and as tall as a flower, is used to it. His small hand reaches for his mother’s warm one and his short legs try to walk as fast as hers, but it’s Saturday and it’s market day, so he stumbles a few times before being able to finally grab his mother’s dress to not lose her in the crowd.

They reach home when the sun has almost completely disappeared behind the horizon. Luhan stares at his consumed black shoes with a gloomy aura surrounding his slightly big head. His finger plays with a hole in his traditional jacket, that one jacket that will be his companion for the whole winter, and that is way too big for him. There are small holes in it, the sleeves are too long, one of the buttons has disappeared long ago and the fabric itself smells like dirt, but it’s the only thing that he owns. It probably won’t even keep him warm, but Luhan is a strong boy and cold doesn’t scare him. He carries a bag with a couple of vegetables and a fist of rice with a small grin on his face because they are finally gonna eat something for dinner that isn’t broth.

“Mama, my birthday is coming soon” the little boy says with a small voice, placing the bag somewhere in whatever is supposed to be their kitchen. Luhan is so excited that he can’t stop fidgeting around the whole shack. Living in the countryside isn’t luxurious at all, but nights are quieter and those fancy apartments in Beijing are way too expensive for his family. There is also a pretty river not too far as well, with bushes and flowers and trees and fishes, and Luhan loves spending summer days soaked in its waters until his skin looks like a dried plum.

“I know, little dumpling” Luhan’s mother laughs lightly, deep wrinkles decorating her eyes and forehead. She ruffles her son’s thick black hair with her left hand, placing a small caress on his cheek right after. She knows what he wants, but she also knows that the money in her pocket probably won’t be nearly enough to buy it. Selling silk has become so hard these days that even buying rice or vegetables seems like a miracle. With those big companies exporting and importing expensive fabrics and spices, well, everything seems a little bit harder.

“I really want a soccer ball, mama! A real one!” Luhan exclaims during dinner, chopsticks stuck in his bowl of rice and some sticky grains still on the corners of his pouty lips. He gets up from the ground and starts kicking the air, thinking about how cool it would be to actually play soccer with his friends, using a real ball on a real field. His mother laughs along with him, secretly adding a spoonful of her rice into Luhan’s half-empty bowl. It’s okay if she doesn’t eat enough. Anything for her only son.

It has been raining for weeks now. There are water puddles everywhere: near the trees, around their little wooden house, on the curvy path that leads to the forest and there is some water leaking from that unsteady rooftop too, and Luhan notices it only when a raindrop as big as a bowl falls on his forehead while he’s about to fall asleep. He tries to move the mattress somewhere else, but water keeps leaking from every corner and before he even knows it his whole room is filled with cups and buckets to gather raindrops. He ends up sleeping in the kitchen with his head resting on the table and a very stiff neck the morning after, but at least the big bucket behind their house is now filled with water and that means that he can finally take a bath. As soon as his little toes test the temperature, though, shivers run down his back and he keeps feeling them until dinner time, when his mother tries to warm him up with a bowl of steaming broth.

“Mama, why is life so mean?” Luhan wonders the day his mother comes home with the same bag of fabric she left with, no money in the pocket of her dress and red rimmed eyes.

“Mama, my tummy keeps on hurting” Luhan whines with the palms of his hands pressed against his flat stomach. She tells him to just go to sleep because sleep will make him forget hunger, but it’s been two days now and the hunger is still there, angrier and more persistent than ever. Luhan tries to eat whatever his short fingers can grab, from tree barks to grass, and at some point he’s so desperate that he tries to eat berries from a bush near the river. He doesn’t even care if they are poisonous or not. They fill his tummy, and if his tummy is happy, he’s happy too.

  
Eventually an year passes. Luhan is now sixteen, but his limbs and torso are so thin and scrawny that he looks twelve -maybe even ten, depending on how tired his eyes look-. He blows the candle on that little sweet dumpling with a content expression on his face, eyes sparking with anticipation and hands pressed together to silently thank his mother and whoever helped them survive the winter.  
It’s spring again and the forest is alive, with trees as green as jade, buds that timidly make their way through the dirt, sweet and colorful flowers that bloom when the April sun finally bathes them with its rays, birds chirping and the water of the river that isn’t frozen anymore. It’s beautiful, and Luhan tastes the flavor of life everytime he sticks his head out of the door.

“Little dumpling, can you go to the market today?” his mother kindly asks with a couple of cabbages in her arms. She still needs carrots, celery and some onions too, and maybe if there’s some money left, Luhan could also buy himself some candy. It’s his birthday after all.

Luhan doesn’t waste any time and runs towards the city with a small fabric bag held in his hand. The market is always such a wonderful place to visit. There are so many colors and scents and people that for a fraction of time Luhan feels dizzy; he has to blink a few times to focus on the products, but in the end he’s quite alright. He buys the vegetables his mother asked for, but as expected money isn’t really enough for a little treat, so the boy does what he does best and sticks his whole face against the window of the candy shop. This time, unlike the previous ones, his gaze doesn’t travel for hours without a purpose. His eyes are fixed on that particular red lollipop, redder than rubies and probably juicier than apples, and his mouth starts watering. It’s enormous and glossy and round and he stares at it until someone opens the shop door and clears their throat to catch his attention.

“Hey kid” a young man calls while resting his shoulder against the door frame, a pink and mint striped apron tied around his neck and waist and sharp eyes judging the little boy still glued to the glass. Luhan assumes that to be the owner’s son. He stops smearing his drool on the transparent surface and lowers his head to apologize, receiving a slow chuckle from the older.

“Do you see anything you like?“

Luhan quickly nods, pointing at that delicious red lollipop that basically is everything he has ever wanted in his life.

“Do you have enough money to pay for it?”

Ouch. Luhan shoves his hand in the pocket of his dirty pants to count the remaining coins he has, but they are just a few and that candy probably costs three times as much. He then shakes his head in defeat, not really expecting the young man to disappear inside the shop with a sigh. He comes out a second later with the red globe carefully wrapped in a thin colorful paper and he hands it out to Luhan, who stares blankly without actually understanding the situation.

“So do you want it or not?”

“I don’t have enough money” Luhan whines embarrassed, trying to soften his wrinkly traditional vest.  

“Just take it. It’s on the house.”

And so Luhan walks away (after bowing for approximately ten minutes straight) with the lollipop in his hand and warm cheeks. He’s turning around one last time to look at the big ‘ _Oh’s candy shop_ ’ sign when something wet dirties his lips. As he wipes away the warm liquid with the back of his hand, Luhan realizes it’s just a nosebleed and doesn’t really pay much attention to it. He shoves the candy into his mouth and sighs. Even though he feels like fainting on the spot, he blames that lollipop because holy shit, he’s pretty sure he has just tasted a piece of heaven.

—

After what happened, spending entire mornings just staring at the candy shop becomes quickly an habit. Luhan would go to the local market to buy a few things for his mother and then, right before heading back home, he would stop by the door to wave at the owner’s son, who then would give him a little treat like the dragon’s beard candy or sweet soft jelly because honestly, he pitied Luhan a little. With his big clothes and enormous sparkly eyes, pale cheeks and pitch black hair, Luhan was too poor to purchase anything but his heart was the purest in the whole village. Sometimes the boy would politely decline Mr. Oh’s offer saying that he wasn’t feeling well, but the young man would give him something anyway to take home just in case he felt hungry.

It’s the end of August when Luhan understands that maybe, just maybe, something is wrong. Nosebleeds shouldn’t be so frequent, right? Coughing and then feeling a metallic taste on your tongue isn’t healthy, right? Fainting shouldn’t happen, right?

Anyway, that isn’t important. He’ll get well soon, just like the doctor said. His mother promised to get him a real soccer ball, and Luhan literally can’t wait to play with it. He swallows another gulp of that medicine that tastes like baby’s tears and death and pushes that thought deep in a corner of his mind.

At some point, maybe because it’s a particularly hot day or perhaps because he has been running around for so long, Luhan falls on his knees right before scoring a goal. If those are blood stains on the green grass, well, Luhan decides to ignore them, and if his ears are ringing, well, he pretends the bells of the temple are dancing.

—

December has just begun when snow slowly starts covering everything with a soft blanket of pearly white. There’s a thick layer of transparent ice on top of the river that used to flow so fast during spring. Flowers, those enchanting colorful gems with their alluring scent, are gone just like clouds after a storm. Birds don’t sing their song anymore, too busy trying to find somewhere warmer to lay their eggs. The forest is slowly dying, but it’s not the only one.

December has just begun when Luhan is laying on his bed with a wet cold tissue pressed on his boiling forehead. His eyes can’t focus anymore. Two weeks ago he was running down the streets with his friends and now, fourteen days later, he feels like the world is about to crush him. He keeps coughing and coughing until a thin red stripe runs down from his nose, staining his neck and his vest. Luhan keeps thinking about that red lollipop he tasted last spring, that massive pearl made of sugar and paradise, and he feels like crying because if he tries hard enough, he can still taste it on his tongue. Luhan thinks about the soccer ball he really wants, the one with red and white patterns, and he also thinks that life is really unfair.

December has just begun when Luhan’s body can’t take it anymore.

“I can’t understand his problem, but I sincerely hope he will get better soon” the doctor says on the doorstep, expensive glasses on the tip of his nose and a hand on Luhan’s mother’s shoulder. She’s crying, the boy can still hear the faint noise of her tears falling down her chin, but he’s too weak to even raise a finger. A metallic taste fills his mouth once again and this time Luhan can’t suppress it anymore, so he coughs so hard that his own blood almost chokes him.

December has just begun when Luhan breathes for the last time, dried blood on the corner of his pretty pale mouth and misty eyes staring at the ceiling.

 

_“I keep going to the river to pray_   
_'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain_   
_And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away_   
_But your ghost, the ghost of you_   
_It keeps me awake”_

 

_2016_

  
Why is this damned forest so big. Sehun is still trying to understand if the thing in his mouth is a spiderweb or one strand of his hair when a branch almost twice the size of his arm gets into his eye. Awesome, now he's not only being attacked by angry spiders, but he’s blind too. Eventually, after spending five minutes trying to fight whatever is crawling all over his body and screaming his lungs out, Sehun can finally breathe normally. He still doesn’t know if there are any spiders left in his hair, but for now his body feels safe enough and that’s the most important thing. He keeps walking (walking? more like surviving) through bushes and trees until he finds something similar to a path that leads somewhere. Should he follow it? Before the angry friends of the spider he crushed with his foot come to take revenge of what is now a corpse, Sehun sighs and decides that it’s worth a try. The woods would be a rather nice place if you didn't have to slap an ant away from your arms every two seconds, or if the light didn't disappear at five in the afternoon just because the trees are so tall that their leaves cover up the entire sky.

“Sehun, why don’t you go and pick some blackberries in the woods? They are much more delicious than store-bought ones and they are really easy to find!!” Sehun mocks his grandmother’s voice with a very annoyed face, carefully looking around so he doesn’t get blinded for real because of those branches sticking everywhere.

“There are tons of different kinds of pies but no, she wants to bake the one with blackberries at all costs! Who cares if I die! Who the hell cares if I trip and stab myself with a mushroom!” Sehun complains and complains for what seems like a century, but there are no traces of those berries. Just dirt. Leaves, acorns and dirt. That path doesn’t seem to be helpful, now that he’s thinking about it. He’s been walking for miles and every tree looks exactly like the one he saw an hour ago. He could even turn around and go back home, but his grandma would probably yell at him and say that he’s incapable of anything, so he just keeps on walking in silence until a strange noise catches his attention. It sounded like a whisper, something soft, but it was definitely a voice.

“Oh my god” Sehun moans painfully, now really scared for his own safety. First the spiderwebs, then the branch, and now the voices. The forest is totally haunted, Sehun bets his Playstation on it. He better find those blackberries and he better do it soon, before his body becomes food for squirrels and hummus for roots. He might be fifteen, but he’s one brave guy, and brave guys aren’t afraid of strange voices that appear in the middle of a thick forest situated twenty light years from the city. He can do this. He just needs to look closely around him and fill his plastic bottle with fruit and then sprint his way back home. Easy.

There’s a river at the end of the path. Sehun was running so fast that he almost fell into it. Now that the sunlight isn’t trapped anymore, the boy has to admit that the scenery is actually pretty. The sound of water hitting rocks is really pleasant, exactly like the wonderful shades of blue and aquamarine of those waves. It looks almost surreal. Sehun takes out his phone and a loud ‘ _click_ ’ fills the silence.

“This goes on instagram” he mutters proudly to himself, scrolling down with his thumb to choose a nice filter that would complement the breathtaking picture he has just taken.

Yeah, but where are the blackberries? He can’t put that pic inside his pie. As soon as he lifts his eyes from the cellphone screen, a pale shadow hides itself behind a tree on the opposite side of the river. Sehun blinks a few times to make sure he's not seeing things, but he's pretty sure there’s a fucking shadow with a face and a very weird semi-translucent body not too far, and it’s looking directly at him. And it’s dumb too because it’s not like Sehun can’t see it. The options are two: one, plainly ignoring it and trying to finish his quest, or two, approaching it and asking for help.

“Uhm, Mr. Shadow?” Sehun raises his voice, waving a hand. People might think he’s crazy for talking to a ghost, but the boy knows his priorities and nothing’s scarier than his angry grandmother. The white shadow jumps a little, eyes as big as the moon and pale lips parted in a small ‘o’. It hides itself even more, white pearly fingers brushing on the greenish bark of the tree and thin locks of hair waving against its cheeks.

“Can I borrow some blackberries please? My grandma’s gonna get mad” he shouts as he shakes his empty bottle in the air, watching as the ghost slowly disappears in the depths of the forest. Sehun sighs in defeat, sad and a little disappointed. How the hell is he supposed to find those berries without any help? He doesn’t own a magical radar or anything, and supermarkets exist too, so why bother searching in the woods? Sehun sits near the bank of the river, plucking strands of green grass and occasionally picking daisies. If he closes his eyes, he can still see that white figure standing on the other side and that thought scares him a little now.

“I swallowed a spiderweb and almost got blind for nothing” Sehun shakes his head, getting up to leave. He could ask spiders or squirrels since they live there, right? Maybe they would answer him. As he takes the first step towards the path that leads to the heart of the forest, an icy wind gently touches his nape, making him turn around on his feet. He felt fingers. Sehun felt someone touching his neck, right here right now, but when he looks around, he finds nothing. Well, actually, he does find something.

He finds four fists of blackberries resting on the grass at his feet, plump, pitch black and juicy blackberries that are just waiting to be eaten. Sehun puts them into his bottle one by one, happiness exploding in his chest and a glowing smile on his lips. He looks at the other side of the river once more, spotting the same ghost behind the same tree. Sehun bows with gratitude and then runs home, bottle pressed against his chest and a pair of misty eyes staring at him from afar.

—

The day after what happened, Sehun decides to visit the white shadow once more to, you know, thank it properly. He packed a piece of cake and a can of coke, but he honestly doesn’t know if ghosts eat and drink. Hell, he doesn’t even know if that thing will show up or not. Anyway, the only thing he knows is that not all spirits are bad. That one is good, for example. He brought him the best blackberries in the whole forest and his grandmother was really impressed (Sehun didn’t tell her about Mr. Shadow, he’s not stupid), so now here he is, back facing the forest and eyes fixed on the other side of the river.

He has been waiting for, like, twenty minutes and yet there’s no sign of the ghost. He ends up falling asleep curled up like a ball and even though grass isn’t the best mattress ever, that cold breeze is so nice that he might as well sleep there every single night for the whole summer.

Sehun isn’t sure how much he did sleep, but when his eyelids flutter open, the sky is a lovely shade of pink and the sun is slowly setting behind the trees. His whole left side is so cold that for a second he thinks that he’s half dead. Sehun can hardly feel his fingers anymore and that sucks, but when he turns around and a pair of wide eyes meets his own, time slowly stops. Mr. Shadow is sitting next to him, knees pressed against his chest and stare piercing like a needle. Now that that glowing thing is so close, Sehun realizes it’s a guy. A child, maybe. His traits are soft, his eyelashes long and his body isn’t translucent anymore. He’s pretty, overall. His black hair is cut like a bowl, but the bangs are so long that they fall against his wide almond eyes. His lips, like the tip of his button nose, are slightly pinkish and Sehun thinks it’s cute. He looks real, so real that Sehun is tempted to grab his arm but something tells him to take it easy. Scaring him is the last thing he wants.

“Thanks for yesterday” Sehun whispers after sitting more comfortably, legs crossed together and fingers playing with the ends of his t-shirt. The more he looks at the shadow’s face, the more he can’t believe it was just a mere illusion yesterday. He looks alive, with nerves and blood and meat on his bones, and when he smiles Sehun unconsciously smiles as well.

“I’m Luhan” the ghost replies after a while, voice as soft as a cloud and almost imperceptible.

“Cool. I’m Sehun, nice to meet you” Sehun lends him a hand to shake, but Luhan’s smile falls right after he tries to grab it. It felt like grabbing nothing. Luhan’s hand completely disappeared like mist as soon as it touched Sehun’s one. The younger assures him that it’s okay, hand shaking is just a silly thing and even just chatting is alright. The ghost shyly nods, pressing his palms against his vest to flatten it. He feels so embarrassed now, he just met a new friend and his clothes are ruined, full of holes and way too big on him.

“So…uhh…my grandma made a pie with the blackberries you gave me yesterday, so i brought you some” Sehun explains as he slowly pushes the little packet towards the ghost’s knees. Luhan smiles and lowers his head just a bit to thank him because even though he’s pretty dead and eating is impossible for him, he still loves sweets and it was really kind of Sehun to bring some pie as a little gift.

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Luhan asks when suddenly a butterfly flies right through his chest. Sehun almost instantly shakes his head, eyes following the colorful insect and lips pressed in a thin line.

“Nah, you have never seen my grandmother when she’s angry. She turns into a demon or something” and Sehun says that with so much confidence in his voice that Luhan decides to believe him. It’s the first time someone hasn’t screamed after seeing him -not that he has appeared in front of many people, but when the kids that were playing near the river saw him they screamed so hard that Luhan swore he would have never appeared ever again-.

So basically they’re friends now, or at least it seems like it. Sehun would tell jokes and Luhan would laugh. Sehun would then ask him questions about his past, how he died and what he felt, what’s his favorite color and if he can walk through walls like the ghosts in movies. It’s funny how Luhan tries to open himself up step by step, explaining that he’s still relatively young and some questions just don’t have answers. It’s okay though, Sehun nods and asks some other things and Luhan wonders if this kid has an on/off button somewhere because he just can’t stop talking. There are some things he still can’t understand because 137 years seems like an eternity and technology apparently made miracles (what the hell is Facebook? People can actually fly in the sky like birds do? How do you even spell the word ‘computer’?) but Luhan really tries to follow Sehun's word vomit without stopping him every two seconds.

They say each other goodbye when the sun has completely disappeared. Luhan offers to guide Sehun through the woods because it’s pitch black and he might fall somewhere and honestly the idea of becoming the prey of spiders (again) isn’t that appealing, so he agrees. Luhan is like a pale star in the sky; he glows. Sehun follows him until he can spot his grandmother’s house in the distance.

“Let’s meet soon, okay Luhan?” Sehun waves from afar and sprints towards the little cottage in the distance. Even when he’s safe and sound in his room, the boy can still hear his grandma yelling and shouting  _you disappeared today you didn’t even call where were you you’re such an irresponsible kid oh my god_  but as soon as he’s about to close the window of his bedroom, a faint white shadow sparkles in the middle of a midnight blue field and Sehun waves once more with a dumb smile on his face. The shadow waves back and then disappears in the fog of the night, leaving Sehun with a funny feeling in his tummy.

—

Luhan didn’t have many friends when he was still alive, mostly because he was a rather shy kid but also because no one really wanted to be his friend in the first place. He was poor, so buying expensive toys or fashionable clothes (toys costed more than food, and during winter you can’t fill your tummy with plastic) was out of the question. Luhan also lived in the woods and the majority of the other kids lived near the city or in the city centre itself, so meeting up was pretty difficult for them (no one wanted to cross the forest and Luhan didn’t blame them).

But he was cool with all of that. As he grew up, he got used to playing alone or with his mother. There was a kid, Yixing, that sometimes knocked on his door whenever his mother made too much food and brought some over. They played together but eventually Yixing moved to Shanghai and things changed, so Luhan found himself sitting in a corner of his room with a stuffed toy he received as a birthday gift and lots, lots, lots of tears. He then started going to the market to buy stuff for his mother and that’s when he discovered his favorite thing in the world: the old Oh’s candy shop. The owner used to sell so many types of candy and sweets and their scents were so addicting that soon Luhan just couldn’t stop staring at the window. He gave Luhan a lollipop for free once, a red and huge one, and Luhan kinda fell in love with him in a platonic way.

“Are you talking about my great-grandfather’s candy shop? Because he used to have a shop here in Beijing, and you know, my surname is Oh as well. You basically met my ancestors and stuff” Sehun interrupts Luhan with a big grin and tiny little sparkles in his eyes. It’s incredible how the world is so small sometimes.

“Well, your great-grandfather was a lovely and kind man” the ghost says as he chuckles lightly, a hand on his face to shield his eyes from the sunlight and a warm smile lingering on his lips.

Two weeks have passed since their first encounter, and during those fourteen days Luhan has told Sehun the complete story of his boring, short and mediocre life. It didn’t matter, though. Luhan could have talked about the weather in 1870 and Sehun would have listened with his small mouth slightly open and scratched knees pressed against his chest.

Having a friend is weird, the ghost realizes at some point, but he could get used to this. Sehun might be younger, but his company is a blessing and not exclusively because Luhan has spent a century completely by himself. His laugh is so crystal clear that it rings in Luhan’s mind for entire minutes before fading away. His lisp is kind of adorable too, but when Luhan mentioned it Sehun got embarrassed and didn’t talk anymore until he went home. His cheeks were a little bit red though, and Luhan thought about that for a whole night.

 

“So, like, you’re gonna be sixteen forever! How cool is that? I don’t wanna grow up” Sehun complains loudly one day when they are laying side by side under an old oak, the fresh breeze of autumn dancing through their clothes and a golden carpet of leaves under them. Luhan slowly turns his head towards his friend and suddenly the realization that Sehun will inevitably age, sooner or later, hurts like a kick in the stomach. Luhan will forever be a soul trapped in a sixteen year old translucent body, while Sehun will grow up and maybe start a family, have kids and find a job.

“Cherish what you have before you lose it, okay Sehun?” Luhan murmurs as he pushes himself up. He feels so tired, so damn tired that if he could, he would disappear in the air like a cloud of smoke. The September sun is still so warm that his whole figure is becoming hard to see, but even though hiding himself in the darkness of the forest seems like an ideal plan, he doesn’t want to leave Sehun alone because if he does, then the cold grip of loneliness will never let him go.

Before Sehun has to go home to have dinner, they promise each other that they will be friends forever.

“I’m going on a school trip to Qingdao next month but don’t worry I’m gonna write to you!”

“I don’t have an address, how can I even receive it?”

“I have special powers! Just wait and see!”

So Luhan waits.

When Sehun comes back home in December with no letters in his hands, Luhan simply laughs and says it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t tell him he waited everyday for a silly piece of paper, the hot boiling rays of the sun cutting his body open like knifes and a heavy feeling inside his transparent chest.

“So, how was the trip?” Luhan asks and lets Sehun fill his ears with his voice for hours. At least they are still friends.

  
_“Oh you never told me_  
 _true love was gonna hurt_  
 _true pain I don't deserve_  
 _truth is that I never learn”_

 

Time, which is something that isn’t part of Luhan’s life anymore, seems to slip from Sehun’s fingers like sand. Before they both realize it, four seasons pass and then it’s a year, two, three, four, five.  
Time flies and now Sehun is nineteen, as tall as the skyscraper Luhan saw once on a travel magazine, strong and charming like a prince and Luhan finds himself wondering how long will their friendship last.  
Sehun talks about his friends and university for hours without stopping. _I’m your friend too_ , Luhan thinks whenever he hears their names slip through the younger’s now fuller lips.  _We used to have fun too,_  Luhan thinks when Sehun mentions the party he attended last weekend, the one where he drank beer for the first time and ended up in the pool with all his clothes still on.  _I could make you happy too_ , Luhan thinks as he bites his tongue to shut himself up whenever Sehun talks about his crush.

“She’s not the cutest girl in my class but there are stars in her eyes, I swear” Sehun whispers once, irises fixed on the moon that lights up the whole field. The night sky is so mesmerizing that it doesn’t really matter if the temperature is so cold that the younger’s breath becomes fog. It’s magical and Luhan, for the first time in his life, wishes he was alive so he could die again and again and again and again and-

“Luhan?” Sehun calls him with a tone that makes the ghost shiver, if it’s even possible for a ghost to feel shivers, and if he had a heart, it would probably explode in his throat. Luhan feels Sehun’s stare piercing through the corner of his eyes and for a second he makes the mistake of meeting his gaze. He has fallen so hard that he’s not even sure he’d be able to get up ever again.

“There might be stars in her eyes, but there are galaxies in yours.”

Luhan doesn’t know if he should trust him. He decides that he does, but only for tonight. He can feel Sehun’s slender and boney fingers searching for his cold and shorter ones, and if Luhan’s eyes were able to cry real tears, the field they’re laying on would be a damn ocean because all Sehun is holding is just a fist of grass and nothing will ever change that.

 

Luhan visits his mother one day in spring, when thick pale clouds are covering the sky and the river is running fast down the hills; he doesn’t know where her grave is. He has been looking everywhere for it but cemeteries in Beijing don’t have an end nor a beginning, and to be honest Luhan isn’t even sure his mother had enough money to buy herself a proper coffin.  
He kneels in front of what used to be their house, even though now it’s just an empty place with bushes and grass, and press his hands together like he used to do before consuming a meal. Sometimes Luhan pretends to talk to his mother just because the thought of her being able to listen is quite comforting; he talks about his day, his thoughts, his wishes and his fears, and it’s okay if no one answers. He would always visit anyway, just like today.

Luhan talks mostly about Sehun and the relationship he shares with him. He says he’s scared of showing him his heart. He scared of scaring him. He’s scared of losing him, even though someday he will, sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. He asks for advice because he doesn’t know what the hell to do anymore. He can literally feel Sehun getting attached to him; his lingering stare, his attempts to touch him, his loving smile, his tender blushing cheeks, his stupid pick up lines, Luhan notices all of that and yet he can’t push him away because something tells him that he would hurt him anyway, and for once being selfish feels so damn good that at the end of the day he doesn’t feel even guilty. Luhan wants to stay with Sehun and Sehun wants to stay with Luhan.

But they can’t, because Luhan has been sixteen for a century and suddenly Sehun is almost twenty-three, college degree in his hands and shoulders broader than an airplane.  

“I think I like you” Sehun breathes with his eyes shut and head thrown back, feet dipping in the river’s warm water and slightly tanned skin glimmering under the sunlight. Luhan is sitting next to him, legs crossed and eyes fixed on the small greenish waves that don’t reflect his image anymore.

Luhan wants to plead him to just don’t,  _don’t like me, like someone who could make you happy, who could hold you and wipe your tears away_ , but he doesn’t because he’s a coward, and when he replies i think i like you too, Sehun’s eyes are moist and there’s a childish smile painted on his face.

“Come on, let’s dance” Sehun suggests at some point, getting up and asking Luhan to do the same. He can’t hold Luhan properly, but if the spirit tries hard enough, he can somehow lean on him and that’s exactly what it happens. Sehun tells Luhan to place his feet on his own because  _i can’t dance just give up it won’t work_  but eventually they both start swaying around, dancing to no particular rhythm but with loud laughter filling the silence and before Luhan can even register what the hell is happening, Sehun leans in and his lips brush delicately on his own in a chaste kiss.

Kissing a ghost feels pretty much like kissing cold air, and Sehun can’t decide if those shivers he feels in his bones hurt more or less than seeing Luhan slipping away from his hands like the wind and running away scared with a hand on his mouth.

  
_“Looking at it now_   
_last December_   
_we were built to fall apart_   
_then fall back together”_

 

Luhan feels like dying all over again. Sehun comes back to the forest every single day after what happened and  _it hurts so fucking much_  to be the cause of the tears on his cheeks, but even though Sehun begs for his forgiveness like his life depended on it, Luhan just can’t face him anymore. He shouldn’t have approached him in the first place eight years ago. He shouldn’t have asked for his friendship. He shouldn’t even have appeared at all because right now it feels like he has stolen Sehun from the world, but he did all of that and now he isn’t the only one hurting inside.

The ghost watches as Sehun spends his day sitting on the same spot as always, sometimes just staring at nothing and some other times reading a novel, one of the novels he likes so much, until the sun slowly transforms itself into the moon and owls seem to tell him just go home, he won’t come back to you. So he does and then the next day he’s there again, waiting for Luhan like a loyal lover. Because that’s what they were, or at least for a short period of time. They were lovers and Sehun is still so sickly in love that if he had a little bit more courage, he’d kill himself to be with Luhan.

“Luhan, I know you can hear me” he says one snowy day with shaky voice and shaky hands gripping a letter.

“I’m moving back to Seoul tomorrow. There are some…politic issues, and…I can’t stay here anymore. I will write you letters, I promise.”

When Sehun leaves, Luhan stares at the ten letters laying on the snow and picks them up. The date on them is from eight years ago and they all talk about Sehun's school trip to Qingdao, that one school trip that Luhan knows by heart because when Sehun came home he just couldn’t stop talking about it.  
He presses them to his chest and a single wish escapes from his frozen lips.

_God, please, let us be together in our next life._

—

_Seoul, 21 December_

_Luhan,_   
_I came home this morning when the sun was still under the horizon and the sky was so beautiful that I had to take a picture. I hope you like it. Seoul is very different from what I remembered as a kid, but I like it so far. People are nice and the food is spicier and I found a nice job, so…yeah. I wrote to you as soon as I could. The truth is that I fucking miss you and everything reminds me of you. Even water reminds me of you. I remember the summer days spent at the river, the nights spent looking at the stars (and you getting angry because I just looked at you instead), the mornings in December spent playing in the snow. I can’t forget even if I try. I’m sorry. My cousin will deliver these letters._   
_I’m not expecting a reply._   
_I love you_

_Sehun_

_Seoul, 26 December_

_Luhan,_   
_I hope you got my letter. I’m trying to live my life in the best way I can, but today at work I kept thinking about you and I realized I was crying only when a teardrop fell on the document I was signing. I had to tell my colleague that my cat passed away because I just couldn’t tell her the truth, could I?_   
_I miss you so much it hurts my bones. If pain can kill, Luhan, then I’m already dead._   
_I’m keeping a diary of everything nice that happens day by day, but the only thing that comes to my mind is your name. I filled two pages with your name. Two pages._   
_I love you_

_Sehun_

_Seoul, 4 January_

_Luhan,_   
_Sorry I haven’t sent you a letter soon, but my boss is literally Satan on Earth and last week he threw on my desk at least two hundreds documents that I'm supposed to check and I’m not even halfway done._   
_I know we’re far away, but I feel you close at night. I close my eyes and you’re there, printed on my eyelids, with your pure smile and soft black locks dancing in the wind. I love you so much, Luhan. God should be afraid of how much a human is capable of loving someone else._   
_I probably won’t be able to send you another letter soon because there are some complications, but please keep me in your mind like I’m keeping you in mine._   
_I’m sending you a kiss._

_Sehun_

_Seoul, 23 February_

_Luhan,_   
_my love, I’m so sorry it took so long to write to you again. Seoul is a mess. There are policemen everywhere and no one understands why. Their guns are loaded, and from what I’ve heard, the Korean army is in need of new soldiers because war is upon us. Last night I saw a few soldiers dragging the neighbors’ son out of their house and for a second I thought I was next, but then they started the car and drove away._   
_I’m so scared, Luhan. I wish I could come back to Beijing, but if they catch me I might end up in prison._   
_I love you_

_Sehun_

  
_Incheon, 2 April_

_Luhan,_   
_my worst nightmare has just become reality. I received a call two days ago from the army and I don’t have any choice. I’m gonna start my military service next week with a few of my old friends. Luhan, god, I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared. They dropped a bomb next to Seoul, that’s why I’m writing from another city. No one is safe anymore._   
_Even though I’m wearing the military uniform, my only thought is you. I just…I wanna see you._   
_I love you_

_Sehun_

_Incheon, 15 April_

_Luhan,_   
_my military training has begun. I won’t be able to write to you anytime soon, but just know that I’m well. It’s hard being so far away from you, but I can’t give up yet._   
_I love you_

_Sehun_

_Seoul, 31 June_

_Luhan,_   
_I’m writing to you from the trench. I hope you’re alright. I’m okay, but there’s so much blood. So many dead people. A bomb exploded last night near our camp. Thank god I’m still here._   
_I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you again._

_Sehun_

_Seoul, 17 August_

_Luhan,_   
_I’m still alive. The general said we might come home. They said war is over._   
_I wanna see you so badly, Luhan. Wait for me, okay?_

_Sehun_

  
Luhan folds the last piece of torn paper he received from Sehun and puts it on top of the others.  
It’s been a year since Sehun wrote him a letter. It’s August again and the forest is alive, greener than ever, beautiful and warm like in a dream. The river is pretty much the same, nothing has really changed after Sehun’s departure apart from Luhan. He doesn’t have a purpose in his life anymore. Nothing matters.

Sehun is not there. He’s not laying on the wet grass, smirk on his lips and hands behind his head. He’s not bathing in the river. He’s not pointing at the stars, reminding Luhan of how ugly they are compared to him.

Sehun is not there and Luhan just can’t bear his absence anymore.

But he waits anyway. Luhan never stops waiting because in his heart Sehun is already there, strong arms around his bony hips and lips writing invisible poems on his pale neck.

—

Letters usually come between ten and eleven in the morning because Sehun’s cousin drops them near the river before heading to work at the candy shop.  
It’s half past nine when Luhan starts waking towards the path that links the two forests; it’s a sunny day and birds can’t stop chirping. Luhan drags his tired limbs through bushes and branches until he can’t feel them anymore.

As always there’s no letter on the edge of the river. The ghost lets himself fall on the ground with a pained sigh, hands hiding his face and shaky fingers digging in his translucent skin.

“Luhan.”

Pain just can’t stop.  _Make it stop, make it stop, please, make it stop._

Luhan wants to go home. He needs to talk to his mother.

“Luhan.”

As soon as he lifts himself up, he hears it. Someone is calling his name, he can hear it, he can hear Sehun’s voice ringing loud in his mind and he can’t get enough of it. He could never get enough of it.

Something moves on the other side of the river, near the old oak where they used to fall asleep curled next to each other. It catches Luhan’s eye right away, and the sudden realization that someone is standing right in front of him, exactly where he saw Sehun for the first time, makes Luhan want to rip his heart out.

It’s Sehun. He’s home.

“You waited for me?” he whispers, gentle smile on his lips and his military uniform all wrinkly and torn.

“Always” Luhan breathes with shaky knees, tears finally wetting his cheeks and eyes fixed on the butterfly that just flew through Sehun’s now translucent body.

 

 

 

 

 

  
“Always,” he repeats again when Sehun’s arms can finally mold themselves around his waist like they were meant to do years and years ago.

“For you, always.”

 


End file.
